Prologue
Boston had high expectations going into the 2010 season. Yes, Jason Bay had signed with the Mets and the core vets were a year older, but there were many reasons to be hopeful. Younger stars like Dustin Pedroia, Kevin Youkilis, Jonathan Papelbon, and Jon Lester were also a year older (and better). David Ortiz was hopefully going to have a huge bounce-back season after a slow-start in '09. And most of all, it had been 3 years since the Sox' last World Series win. Surely, they were due. (Oh, and I almost forgot- they signed John Lackey and some other guys)
Spring Training in sunny Fort Myers went well, except for the aforementioned Lackey getting hurt. He was expected to only miss a few weeks, barring setbacks. (Spoiler alert: there were setbacks. These are nightmare scenarios, after all. Okay, I admit it. I decided for him to be injured because I wrote some of this before he was signed and didn't want to add him to the series. Probably for the best.) The Red Sox believed that they could still be the best team, even without Lackey. On paper, this wasn't too far-fetched. But baseball ain't played on paper! It's played on a diamond. And not the type that are a girl's best friend. Unless, of course, she's a huge baseball fan... [end tangent] You mean like that trig thing? [I said end tangent, dammit!]
Part One: Home Opener (vs. NYY)
Jon Lester came oh-so-close to getting a win against the Yankees in the Red Sox' first actual game of 2010. (The Sox had won the previous day's exhibition in DC simply because crabchowdah was there!) Papelbon needed one more out to end a 5-3 victory, but (guess who!) A-Rod hit the eventual game-winning 3-run homer on an 0-2 count. Naturally, Boston's season went downhill from there. New York won the next game in a blowout after Josh Beckett got epically lit up. The day after that, Dice-K pitched 6 strong innings but was tagged with a 1-0 loss. (This score is important.) Luckily for the Red Sox, their next 3 games were against the lowly Royals. (There's no imaginary dialogue for this section. I apologize; blame writer's block and having more important things to do.)
Part Two: We're Not In Kansas (City) Anymore (@KC)
Clay Buchholz, Lester, and Tim Wakefield were given the starts against Kansas City. Boston lost all three games and Wake to an injury. Dustin takes a nap on the team plane to Minneapolis, and awakes to find... well, this:
[Dustin lying on ground; eyes closed. He hears Ortiz talking in a falsetto, Domincan voice]
Papi: Toto, where are you?
Dusty: [jolts completely awake; springs to feet, which he suddenly realizes he has 4 of] What the hell?
Papi: Oh, there you are!
Dusty: David, what's going on? And why are you dressed as girl?
Papi: Toto, you- you talk!
Dusty: Toto? Oh shit, I'm a dog aren't I? And lemme guess- you're Dorothy.
Papi: Yep!
Dusty: This is getting weird. [notices the crashed team plane and gets agitated] What happened to the rest of the team?!?
Papi: What team?
Dusty: This is serious! We need to find the others! [ed. note: To answer your question, no, this isn't a Lost parody. It's the Wizard of Oz.]
Papi: What others?
Dusty: You know- Paps, Youk, Tito, Beltre...
Papi: I don't know who those people are. Or are they some of your doggy friends?
Dusty: [starts to talk but cuts off] Never mind. So, how do we get home?
Papi: Well, the plane crushed the wicked witch of the West [points to a woman in an Angels jersey under the plane], but we must find and kill the witch of the East before the Wizard of lOZers will send us home.
Dusty: But where is home?
Papi: I was hoping you'd know.
Papelbon: [dressed as scarecrow, yelling from a distance] Can we come, too?
Dusty: Who the hell are you?
Paps: I'm scarecrow. This [gestures toward Youkilis] is Tin Man, and this [points to Sluggerrr] is the Cowardly Lion.
Sluggerrr: [quietly] Hi. I- I'm kinda scared of dogs.
Dusty: [barks and growls loudly]
Sluggerrr: Ahh! [runs screaming into Tin Man's arms]
Youk: I swear to God, if you don't get off me right now-
Papi: [to Dusty, who's been laughing the whole time] Toto! That wasn't nice! Apologize!
Dusty: Fine. I'm sorry, Sluggerrr- I mean, Cowardly Lion. [feels ashamed that he knows what the Royals' mascot is called and looks down in inward embarassment] Whoa! Where'd that come from? It's a road! Made out of- are those yellow bricks? We should follow it while singing and dancing!
Papi: That's a great idea, Toto!
Later...
Dusty: [panting] how much further?
Youk: I think I'm starting to rust from sweating!
Dusty: Wait. You can sweat [pauses] but you don't have a heart?
Youk: So? You have a heart but can't sweat! You're a dog!
Dusty: Touche. No really, how much further?
[an evil-looking woman in a Yankees jersey appears in front of them]
Woman: It doesn't matter! Your journey ends here!
Dusty: So you're the wicked witch of the East...
Woman: And I'll be the last thing you ever see!
Ghost of Witch of the West: No, I will! [evil cackling]
[fade to black]
Youk: Wake up! We're landing and you have to put your tray table and seat in the upright position or else we'll all die!
Dusty: So it was just a dream... Are we still 0-6?
Youk: Unfortunately. So, tell me about your dream.
Dusty: The damndest thing. It made no sense. Like it was written by some crazy 9th-grader with only a basic knowledge of the Wizard of Oz!
Youk: Oh...kay.
Dusty: You were Tin Man.
Youk: [proudly] Well, I am a heartless killah on a baseball field.
Dusty: Kansas City's lion mascot thing was the Cowardly Lion. And you [talking to Paps] were the scarecrow.
Paps: Ugh. Why does everyone think I'm so stupid?
Dusty: You say some dumb shit, man.
Paps: Yeah, but I'm just trying to be funny!
Dusty: Don't worry about it. I was Toto, for God's sakes! Papi was Dorothy!
[some laughter in the plane]
PA System: This is your pilot speaking. We're beginning our descent into Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, where the bathrooms have been wide-stanced Senator free since June 11, 2007.
Dusty: We're here. We're 0-6. But only 0-6! Let's be the first team to win at Target Field! Who's with me!?
[part 3 soon]
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