Saturday, March 27, 2010

NNICQotD March 1-12

Yeah, it took me a while to get around to this post, I know. Here's the explanations of the Not Necessarily In Context Quote of the Day for the first two weeks of March.

Mon 3/1 "So we're making albino midgets?" "Yes."
We were doing a thing in science class that modeled dihybrid crosses with coin flips. The traits involved were dwarfism and albinism, so I asked the assistant teacher this question. (FYI, I know midget isn't really PC, but that's the word the worksheet used. Not my fault.)

Tues 3/2 "Plus, if a moose is carrying a gun, it's an illegal moose.
I have no idea what this means. There are a few boys in my history class who are class clowns. Somehow, I wound up mentioning that I'd eaten reindeer stew in Alaska, and one of the boys said something about eating moose even though it was illegal, and then added this.

Wed 3/3 "But you can't give a pop quiz, like, in the middle of class!"
This was said by a girl in my math class with about 15 minutes left in the period. Long story short, we knew there would be a quiz soon, but we didn't know when. Basically, some of the class was afraid that we were about to get it then, because the teacher can be intimidating sometimes. His quizzes are usually a lot longer than 15 min, mind you. (Except the unit circle quiz, which is what the pop quiz turned out to be a few days later. We only had 10 minutes to fill out a blank unit circle.)

Thurs 3/4 "The purple wildcat can probably self-pollinate."
This is also from Bio class. We were doing a practice problem about incomplete dominance involving red, purple, and blue wildcats. Someone had forgotten what the F2 generation was, so the assistant teacher said that it was when the F1 generation self pollinates or something to that degree. A student pointed out that wildcats were animals, not plants, and this was the teacher's joking response.

Fri 3/5 "If you say sin, I will smack you."
The abbreviation for sine is sin. Trying to be funny, a guy in my class pronounced it like it was spelled (as in a bad thing) instead of pronouncing it like sign. My teacher (who often makes jokingly empty threats to hurt/disfigure/kill us) didn't like this.

Wed 3/10 "Do we have to stab ourselves?"
We were doing a lab about blood types and one kid was wondering where the blood would come from. For the record, we used fake blood.

Thurs 3/11 "What an asshole. I hate Mozart."
Since chorus class is right after lunch, we're allowed to eat it in the chorus room. A senior who's played the piano for about a decade, was sitting at the piano and telling us some things about music theory. She told us that modern composers break some of the theory "rules" set forth by people like Mozart. I guess she doesn't like those rules.

Fri 3/12 "The pizza would have to own something the way you're using it."
We were writing sentences with homophones in English, and one set was its and it's. A student read a sentence about pizza that used the wrong one. Once the teacher realized, she said this.

Well, that sucked. I'll try to do better next time. If there is a next time...

Friday, March 19, 2010

I had an RBI!

As the title suggests, I had an RBI yesterday. But perhaps it would be better if I started at the beginning-

My JV softball team was supposed to have scrimmages last Saturday and Tuesday. It rained a lot over the weekend, so the Saturday scrimmage got postponed a week and the Tuesday one got rescheduled for yesterday (Thursday). The schedules we were given had yesterday's game as an away game, but the online schedule said we were at home, which was what the coaches kept telling us.

So we get to the field and at around 3 are trying to set it up for a 3:30 game. We're having a problem putting in the game bases when Coach comes over and tells us that we're on the road and that the bus, which had left with the varsity players, was coming back to get us. I think what might have happened (but I don't know) was that the coaches thought that JV was at home and varsity was away, because most schools probably only have one softball field. However, they had two fields where we were going. A few minutes later, we were on a bus to a large Baltimore county school. But that's a pretty big county, and of course the game wasn't in the nearby part. It was in a part of the county all the way on the other side of the city. And after riding a bus for a couple hours (traffic was really bad), we got there. We did a quick warmup, and what was supposed to be a 4 o' clock game started at about 5:30.

I batted second and played third. (Not really relevant, but for some reason the bus driver, who was a Yankee fan, was one of the base coaches) The leadoff hitter took two balls and the home plate ump said it was a 3-1 count. No one protested, so I thought I'd gone crazy and missed the first two pitches. I got up to bat with a runner on first and struck out looking on two pitches because it hadn't yet registered that every batter was starting 1-1 because of the late start. After sucking defensively I came up to bat again with the bases loaded in the 2nd inning. I worked an RBI walk on 3 pitches, but I was left on base due to the 5 runs an inning rule. The game was called with 2 outs in the bottom of the 4th (I would've led off the 5th) because all games have to end at 6:30, even though there was plenty of daylight left. We'd lost 13-6. We got back on the bus and were driven home by the bus driver/base coach. The return trip took under an hour, but I wound up not getting to my house until after 8, and I was tired. Naturally, I still had dinner to eat and homework to do, and my dad was mad at me for him not knowing it was a road game (but that's another story).

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Road to 0-161, Parts 1 and 2

Road to 0-161 is basically a 4-part series where the '10 Red Sox do their best imitation of the '08 Detroit Lions. Why would a Sox fan write this kind of thing? I dunno. Maybe it teaches us to not take anything for granted or something sappy like that. Anyway, here's the first two parts, which involve Boston's first 6 games. And remember- this can't actually happen. Right?

Prologue

Boston had high expectations going into the 2010 season. Yes, Jason Bay had signed with the Mets and the core vets were a year older, but there were many reasons to be hopeful. Younger stars like Dustin Pedroia, Kevin Youkilis, Jonathan Papelbon, and Jon Lester were also a year older (and better). David Ortiz was hopefully going to have a huge bounce-back season after a slow-start in '09. And most of all, it had been 3 years since the Sox' last World Series win. Surely, they were due. (Oh, and I almost forgot- they signed John Lackey and some other guys)

Spring Training in sunny Fort Myers went well, except for the aforementioned Lackey getting hurt. He was expected to only miss a few weeks, barring setbacks. (Spoiler alert: there were setbacks. These are nightmare scenarios, after all. Okay, I admit it. I decided for him to be injured because I wrote some of this before he was signed and didn't want to add him to the series. Probably for the best.) The Red Sox believed that they could still be the best team, even without Lackey. On paper, this wasn't too far-fetched. But baseball ain't played on paper! It's played on a diamond. And not the type that are a girl's best friend. Unless, of course, she's a huge baseball fan... [end tangent] You mean like that trig thing? [I said end tangent, dammit!]

Part One: Home Opener (vs. NYY)

Jon Lester came oh-so-close to getting a win against the Yankees in the Red Sox' first actual game of 2010. (The Sox had won the previous day's exhibition in DC simply because crabchowdah was there!) Papelbon needed one more out to end a 5-3 victory, but (guess who!) A-Rod hit the eventual game-winning 3-run homer on an 0-2 count. Naturally, Boston's season went downhill from there. New York won the next game in a blowout after Josh Beckett got epically lit up. The day after that, Dice-K pitched 6 strong innings but was tagged with a 1-0 loss. (This score is important.) Luckily for the Red Sox, their next 3 games were against the lowly Royals. (There's no imaginary dialogue for this section. I apologize; blame writer's block and having more important things to do.)

Part Two: We're Not In Kansas (City) Anymore (@KC)

Clay Buchholz, Lester, and Tim Wakefield were given the starts against Kansas City. Boston lost all three games and Wake to an injury. Dustin takes a nap on the team plane to Minneapolis, and awakes to find... well, this:

[Dustin lying on ground; eyes closed. He hears Ortiz talking in a falsetto, Domincan voice]

Papi: Toto, where are you?
Dusty: [jolts completely awake; springs to feet, which he suddenly realizes he has 4 of] What the hell?
Papi: Oh, there you are!
Dusty: David, what's going on? And why are you dressed as girl? 
Papi: Toto, you- you talk!
Dusty: Toto? Oh shit, I'm a dog aren't I? And lemme guess- you're Dorothy.
Papi: Yep!
Dusty: This is getting weird. [notices the crashed team plane and gets agitated] What happened to the rest of the team?!?
Papi: What team?
Dusty: This is serious! We need to find the others! [ed. note: To answer your question, no, this isn't a Lost parody. It's the Wizard of Oz.]
Papi: What others?
Dusty: You know- Paps, Youk, Tito, Beltre...
Papi: I don't know who those people are. Or are they some of your doggy friends?
Dusty: [starts to talk but cuts off] Never mind. So, how do we get home?
Papi: Well, the plane crushed the wicked witch of the West [points to a woman in an Angels jersey under the plane], but we must find and kill the witch of the East before the Wizard of lOZers will send us home.
Dusty: But where is home?
Papi: I was hoping you'd know.
Papelbon: [dressed as scarecrow, yelling from a distance] Can we come, too?
Dusty: Who the hell are you?
Paps: I'm scarecrow. This [gestures toward Youkilis] is Tin Man, and this [points to Sluggerrr] is the Cowardly Lion.
Sluggerrr: [quietly] Hi. I- I'm kinda scared of dogs.
Dusty: [barks and growls loudly]
Sluggerrr: Ahh! [runs screaming into Tin Man's arms]
Youk: I swear to God, if you don't get off me right now-
Papi: [to Dusty, who's been laughing the whole time] Toto! That wasn't nice! Apologize!
Dusty: Fine. I'm sorry, Sluggerrr- I mean, Cowardly Lion. [feels ashamed that he knows what the Royals' mascot is called and looks down in inward embarassment] Whoa! Where'd that come from? It's a road! Made out of- are those yellow bricks? We should follow it while singing and dancing!
Papi: That's a great idea, Toto!

Later...
Dusty: [panting] how much further?
Youk: I think I'm starting to rust from sweating!
Dusty: Wait. You can sweat [pauses] but you don't have a heart?
Youk: So? You have a heart but can't sweat! You're a dog!
Dusty: Touche. No really, how much further?
[an evil-looking woman in a Yankees jersey appears in front of them]
Woman: It doesn't matter! Your journey ends here!
Dusty: So you're the wicked witch of the East...
Woman: And I'll be the last thing you ever see!
Ghost of Witch of the West: No, I will! [evil cackling]
[fade to black]

Youk: Wake up! We're landing and you have to put your tray table and seat in the upright position or else we'll all die!
Dusty: So it was just a dream... Are we still 0-6?
Youk: Unfortunately. So, tell me about your dream.
Dusty: The damndest thing. It made no sense. Like it was written by some crazy 9th-grader with only a basic knowledge of the Wizard of Oz!
Youk: Oh...kay.
Dusty: You were Tin Man.
Youk: [proudly] Well, I am a heartless killah on a baseball field.
Dusty: Kansas City's lion mascot thing was the Cowardly Lion. And you [talking to Paps] were the scarecrow.
Paps: Ugh. Why does everyone think I'm so stupid?
Dusty: You say some dumb shit, man.
Paps: Yeah, but I'm just trying to be funny!
Dusty: Don't worry about it. I was Toto, for God's sakes! Papi was Dorothy!
[some laughter in the plane]
PA System: This is your pilot speaking. We're beginning our descent into Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, where the bathrooms have been wide-stanced Senator free since June 11, 2007.
Dusty: We're here. We're 0-6. But only 0-6! Let's be the first team to win at Target Field! Who's with me!?

[part 3 soon]