Our story resumes with the Red Sox in Minneapolis. Having lost their first six games, they desperately needed to beat the Twins at brand new Target Field. As the title suggests, this didn't happen.
In the first game, Josh Beckett bounces back from his bad start against the Yankees, but gets the loss when he gives up a walk-off homer to Joe Mauer (a la Ryan Zimmerman in the first game at Nats Park). Next game, Dice-K gives up just one run in 6.2 innings, but gets tagged with another 1-0 loss. In the third game, Jon Lester gets off to a strong start. However, he gets injured and tries to tough it out, but ultimately gives up 8 runs in 5+ innings. By the end of the game, most of the starters and coaches are sitting in the dugout when Joe Mauer walks over.
Target Field Announcer: [heavy Minnesota accent] That's it folks! Final score- Boston 5, your Minnesota Twins 16!
Dustin Pedroia: If you want a postgame handshake to maintain your polite Minneso-o-otan image, don't bother. Just go away.
David Ortiz: Dustin, stop acting like you know anything about Minnesotans {remember, Papi used to be a Twin}. Or for that matter, politeness.
Mauer: [ignoring them] Yo, Adrian!
Adrian Peterson: 'Sup, Joe?
Dusty: Whaaa? How long has Adrian Peterson been sitting behind our dugout? And that's Brett Favre!-
AP: [inturrupts, mocks Dustin's tone] And that's Al Jefferson! (the former Celtic, do ya'll know him?) And that's Kevin Love! And those are Niklas Backstrom {I swear, this is the last time SNG gets written about unless he does something notable besides having the same name as a star on my favorite team}, Mikko Koivu, and.... how the hell do you say your name?
AM: Antti Miettinen. It's not that hard to say.
AP: But it's hard to spell.
AM: How does that affect whether or not you can pronounce it?
AP: It shouldn't.
AM: Then why- oh, never mind.
Papi: Your name sounds like a drug! {No, I didn't make up this joke}
AM: I'm not a drug, I'm Finnish!
AP: Moving on, me and these other Minny stars (and Antti what's his name)
AM: Hey!
AP: Chill, I'm just messin' with ya. [continuing on] In all seriousness, we wanted to support Joe and the Twins in their nice new ballpark.
Mauer: Today was the best day for them to come because, well, let's just say none of them have games to play soon. At least the Vikes did well.
Favre: Throwing crushing, season-ending interceptions makes me feel like a kid out there! Should I come back for another season? I think I can! I know I can! Maybe...
Terry Francona: That's great, Brett.
AP: Hey Joe, can we come down into the dugout?
Mauer: Sure, guys!
Sox Players and Coaches: [loud sigh]
Mauer: [after everyone gets into visitors' dugout, talking to Sox] Ya know, it would be nice of you guys to introduce yourselves [cuts off as he notices an unfamiliar face] Nik, who's your friend?
SNG: Not friend, interpreter.
Mauer: But you speak great english!
SNG: I'm aware. He's-
SSS: [inturrupting and in a condescending tone] World-renowned Finnish-Japanese-English interpreter, Sami Saku Suzuki.
Koivu: My brother's name is Saku!
SNG: Too bad he wouldn't sign with us.
Koivu: I tried to get him to come here, but he didn't want to be a Wild.
Dusty: He didn't wanna be your teammate? [laughing] Your brother hates you, your brother hates you!
SSS: Yeah, well, yours is a Pedobear!
Dusty: Dude, uncalled for! [punches SSS in the face]
[awkward silence]
SNG: Eh, Triple-S had it coming. Egotistical assclown.
Francona: But WHY did you bring a trilingual interpreter to a baseball game?
SNG: Well, it doesn't really matter now that my interpreter's unconscious-
Dusty: And a douchebag!
SNG: But I couldn't help but notice that Dice-K hasn't gotten any run support this season-
Dusty: We're aware.
SNG: And as a fellow IFA, I think he deserves better. I just wanted him to think about something- Is our international free agents getting consistent offensive support?
Mauer: Are, not is.
SNG: That's what I thought, but didn't your former leader once-
Curt Schilling: DON'T INSULT GEORGE W. BUSH!
Francona: The conversation hadn't quite gotten there, Curt. CURT? What the hell are you doing here?
Schill: The front office asked me to unretire because we're 0-9, desperate, and can't stay off the DL.
Francona: That's...um, wonderful. You're in good company, Curt. Brett Favre's here.
Schill: Awesome, he's my unretirement idol!
Favre: Aw, shucks, I'm flattered.
Papi: [sees the Finns are confused] Oh, don't mind Schill. He's just a Republican.
Mauer: [to the hockey players] I can explain everything later.
Josh Beckett: [comes out of the clubhouse] THE FINNISH DUDE'S ON TO SOMETHING! WE WOULDN'T BE 0-9 IF WE'D WON THE WELL PITCHED GAMES!
SNG: That's not quite what I was trying to say...
Dusty: WHAT ABOUT THE GAMES WHERE WE SCORED A BUNCH OF RUNS BUT COULDN'T PITCH FOR OUR LIVES!
Papi: Stop! Infighting will get us nowhere! We're only 9 games in! There's plenty of time for the Sox to catch fire!
Mauer: DON'T SAY FIRE AROUND NIK! He still has nightmares.
SNG: That was supposed to stay between you and me, Joe.
[dispute escalates into a full-on brawl between hitters and pitchers]
Jonathan Papelbon: [entering the dugout to see what the commotion is] What's going on? [sees Favre] Brett?
Favre: They're fighting over whether the pitchers or position players are to blame for your bad start.
Paps: Oh. [pauses] So should I tell them or will you?
Favre: You.
Paps: Guys, stop fighting! [they miraculously stop] I have an announcement to make. As you know, this is my Hattiesburg buddy Brett Favre. He's my new career advisor.
Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Postscript
Ron Gardenhire: [walks over to Mauer] But Joe, there's one question that wasn't answered. Why did Nik want to talk to Dice-K, and why couldn't he use a team interpreter?
Mauer: [succinctly] First off, that was two questions. Secondly, there are a lot more questions than that. Thirdly, I don't think the Red Sox would want their big investment to know about Nik's plan.
Gardenhire: Plan?
Mauer: He's trying to get IFA's from teams with bad offenses to join him in a class-action lawsuit.
Gardenhire: WHAT?
Dusty: ARE YOU SAYING THE RED SOX CAN'T SCORE?
Papi: Give it a rest, caballito. We're gonna turn it around. I mean, it's not like we're gonna go winless. That would be ridiculous.
Mauer: I thought he was kidding when he said he was suing for offensive support. Now I don't know what to think.
Gardenhire: It's your hometown team; you'd know better than I.
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