Road to 0-161, Conclusion

It was the last game of a Red Sox season filled with turmoil, freak injuries, and demoralizing losses. (Seriously, who knew you could lose .5 to 0, pi to 3, 0 to -1, or, my personal favorite, 4 to i? In fact, the one bright spot so far was Boston winning the Nobel Prize for discovering how to score an imaginary number of runs!) The 0-161 Sox were hosting the 161-0 Yankees. Under Brett Favre's tutelage, Jonathan Papelbon had retired and unretired many times. John Lackey never pitched all year, and demanded a trade. Daisuke Matsuzaka found out about, and subsequently joined, the class-action suit, and the Sox organization owed him a lot of money after he lost every game that season 1-0. The sellout streak was long gone, and Fenway was empty and desolate for this early October Sunday matinee. The further indignity of a winless season was staring Boston in the face.

But something amazing happened. The Sox were leading the Yanks by some truly insurmountable run total, and it was only the 4th inning. After all that had happened, one might expect the Red Sox to blow that lead. They didn't. The Yankees had accepted that they weren't going to rally, yet they were willing to do anything to avoid a loss. With two outs in the 4th, the Yankees just seemed to give up. They put in some reliever who seemed not even to be trying. The Boston players were perplexed, but gladly took their walks, easy hits, and HBP's. However, the fun would quickly turn to a feeling of helplessness as New York's intentions became as clear as the sky soon wouldn't be. The Red Sox were pouring it on, and so too would the gathering storm clouds. 

The game was still half an inning away from being official. All the Sox wanted to do was get to the middle of the 5th, and by now everyone had realized the Yankees weren't going to let that happen. The Red Sox tried to make the last out of the 4th, but New York wouldn't throw strikes or even attempt to throw out the Sox runners who weren't even running. To the Yankees, an undefeated season was far more important than the integrity of baseball. The rain came, and the game was called. Even if it hadn't, the Sox probably would have just conceded to stop that travesty of a game from going any further.

The Yankees went on to beat Milwaukee in the World Series. Or at least, that's what the history books'll want you to think. Bud Selig canceled the postseason and declared New York champs, as well as giving the Brewers the pennant as a thanks for building a statue of him outside Miller Park. And with that the 2010 MLB season concluded. There's no happy ending. The bad guys won, and the good guys lost.

Road to 0-161 Part 3: Finnished (@MIN)

{I've had this written for a while, but I've been busy with school and procrastination. Having been on summer break for a few days, I guess July 4th weekend is as good a time as ever to finish typing my Sox season preview. Since I'm sure not everyone has a schedule handy, this installment takes place April 15}

Our story resumes with the Red Sox in Minneapolis. Having lost their first six games, they desperately needed to beat the Twins at brand new Target Field. As the title suggests, this didn't happen.

In the first game, Josh Beckett bounces back from his bad start against the Yankees, but gets the loss when he gives up a walk-off homer to Joe Mauer (a la Ryan Zimmerman in the first game at Nats Park). Next game, Dice-K gives up just one run in 6.2 innings, but gets tagged with another 1-0 loss. In the third game, Jon Lester gets off to a strong start. However, he gets injured and tries to tough it out, but ultimately gives up 8 runs in 5+ innings. By the end of the game, most of the starters and coaches are sitting in the dugout when Joe Mauer walks over.

Target Field Announcer: [heavy Minnesota accent] That's it folks! Final score- Boston 5, your Minnesota Twins 16!
Dustin Pedroia: If you want a postgame handshake to maintain your polite Minneso-o-otan image, don't bother. Just go away.
David Ortiz: Dustin, stop acting like you know anything about Minnesotans {remember, Papi used to be a Twin}. Or for that matter, politeness.
Mauer: [ignoring them] Yo, Adrian!
Adrian Peterson: 'Sup, Joe?
Dusty: Whaaa? How long has Adrian Peterson been sitting behind our dugout? And that's Brett Favre!-
AP: [inturrupts, mocks Dustin's tone] And that's Al Jefferson! (the former Celtic, do ya'll know him?) And that's Kevin Love! And those are Niklas Backstrom {I swear, this is the last time SNG gets written about unless he does something notable besides having the same name as a star on my favorite team}, Mikko Koivu, and.... how the hell do you say your name?
AM: Antti Miettinen. It's not that hard to say.
AP: But it's hard to spell.
AM: How does that affect whether or not you can pronounce it?
AP: It shouldn't.
AM: Then why- oh, never mind.
Papi: Your name sounds like a drug! {No, I didn't make up this joke}
AM: I'm not a drug, I'm Finnish!
AP: Moving on, me and these other Minny stars (and Antti what's his name)
AM: Hey!
AP: Chill, I'm just messin' with ya. [continuing on] In all seriousness, we wanted to support Joe and the Twins in their nice new ballpark.
Mauer: Today was the best day for them to come because, well, let's just say none of them have games to play soon. At least the Vikes did well.
Favre: Throwing crushing, season-ending interceptions makes me feel like a kid out there! Should I come back for another season? I think I can! I know I can! Maybe...
Terry Francona: That's great, Brett.
AP: Hey Joe, can we come down into the dugout?
Mauer: Sure, guys!
Sox Players and Coaches: [loud sigh]
Mauer: [after everyone gets into visitors' dugout, talking to Sox] Ya know, it would be nice of you guys to introduce yourselves [cuts off as he notices an unfamiliar face] Nik, who's your friend?
SNG: Not friend, interpreter.
Mauer: But you speak great english!
SNG: I'm aware. He's-
SSS: [inturrupting and in a condescending tone] World-renowned Finnish-Japanese-English interpreter, Sami Saku Suzuki.
Koivu: My brother's name is Saku!
SNG: Too bad he wouldn't sign with us.
Koivu: I tried to get him to come here, but he didn't want to be a Wild.
Dusty: He didn't wanna be your teammate? [laughing] Your brother hates you, your brother hates you!
SSS: Yeah, well, yours is a Pedobear!
Dusty: Dude, uncalled for! [punches SSS in the face]

[awkward silence]

SNG: Eh, Triple-S had it coming. Egotistical assclown.

Francona: But WHY did you bring a trilingual interpreter to a baseball game?

SNG: Well, it doesn't really matter now that my interpreter's unconscious-

Dusty: And a douchebag!

SNG: But I couldn't help but notice that Dice-K hasn't gotten any run support this season-

Dusty: We're aware.

SNG: And as a fellow IFA, I think he deserves better. I just wanted him to think about something- Is our international free agents getting consistent offensive support?

Mauer: Are, not is.

SNG: That's what I thought, but didn't your former leader once-

Curt Schilling: DON'T INSULT GEORGE W. BUSH!

Francona: The conversation hadn't quite gotten there, Curt. CURT? What the hell are you doing here?

Schill: The front office asked me to unretire because we're 0-9, desperate, and can't stay off the DL.

Francona: That's...um, wonderful. You're in good company, Curt. Brett Favre's here.

Schill: Awesome, he's my unretirement idol!

Favre: Aw, shucks, I'm flattered.

Papi: [sees the Finns are confused] Oh, don't mind Schill. He's just a Republican.

Mauer: [to the hockey players] I can explain everything later.

Josh Beckett: [comes out of the clubhouse] THE FINNISH DUDE'S ON TO SOMETHING! WE WOULDN'T BE 0-9 IF WE'D WON THE WELL PITCHED GAMES!

SNG: That's not quite what I was trying to say...

Dusty: WHAT ABOUT THE GAMES WHERE WE SCORED A BUNCH OF RUNS BUT COULDN'T PITCH FOR OUR LIVES!

Papi: Stop! Infighting will get us nowhere! We're only 9 games in! There's plenty of time for the Sox to catch fire!

Mauer: DON'T SAY FIRE AROUND NIK! He still has nightmares.

SNG: That was supposed to stay between you and me, Joe.

[dispute escalates into a full-on brawl between hitters and pitchers]

Jonathan Papelbon: [entering the dugout to see what the commotion is] What's going on? [sees Favre] Brett?

Favre: They're fighting over whether the pitchers or position players are to blame for your bad start.

Paps: Oh. [pauses] So should I tell them or will you?

Favre: You.

Paps: Guys, stop fighting! [they miraculously stop] I have an announcement to make. As you know, this is my Hattiesburg buddy Brett Favre. He's my new career advisor.

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Postscript

Ron Gardenhire: [walks over to Mauer] But Joe, there's one question that wasn't answered. Why did Nik want to talk to Dice-K, and why couldn't he use a team interpreter?

Mauer: [succinctly] First off, that was two questions. Secondly, there are a lot more questions than that. Thirdly, I don't think the Red Sox would want their big investment to know about Nik's plan.

Gardenhire: Plan?

Mauer: He's trying to get IFA's from teams with bad offenses to join him in a class-action lawsuit.

Gardenhire: WHAT?

Dusty: ARE YOU SAYING THE RED SOX CAN'T SCORE?

Papi: Give it a rest, caballito. We're gonna turn it around. I mean, it's not like we're gonna go winless. That would be ridiculous.

Mauer: I thought he was kidding when he said he was suing for offensive support. Now I don't know what to think.

Gardenhire: It's your hometown team; you'd know better than I.

Road to 0-161, Parts 1 and 2

Road to 0-161 is basically a 4-part series where the '10 Red Sox do their best imitation of the '08 Detroit Lions. Why would a Sox fan write this kind of thing? I dunno. Maybe it teaches us to not take anything for granted or something sappy like that. Anyway, here's the first two parts, which involve Boston's first 6 games. And remember- this can't actually happen. Right?

Prologue

Boston had high expectations going into the 2010 season. Yes, Jason Bay had signed with the Mets and the core vets were a year older, but there were many reasons to be hopeful. Younger stars like Dustin Pedroia, Kevin Youkilis, Jonathan Papelbon, and Jon Lester were also a year older (and better). David Ortiz was hopefully going to have a huge bounce-back season after a slow-start in '09. And most of all, it had been 3 years since the Sox' last World Series win. Surely, they were due. (Oh, and I almost forgot- they signed John Lackey and some other guys)

Spring Training in sunny Fort Myers went well, except for the aforementioned Lackey getting hurt. He was expected to only miss a few weeks, barring setbacks. (Spoiler alert: there were setbacks. These are nightmare scenarios, after all. Okay, I admit it. I decided for him to be injured because I wrote some of this before he was signed and didn't want to add him to the series. Probably for the best.) The Red Sox believed that they could still be the best team, even without Lackey. On paper, this wasn't too far-fetched. But baseball ain't played on paper! It's played on a diamond. And not the type that are a girl's best friend. Unless, of course, she's a huge baseball fan... [end tangent] You mean like that trig thing? [I said end tangent, dammit!]

Part One: Home Opener (vs. NYY)

Jon Lester came oh-so-close to getting a win against the Yankees in the Red Sox' first actual game of 2010. (The Sox had won the previous day's exhibition in DC simply because crabchowdah was there!) Papelbon needed one more out to end a 5-3 victory, but (guess who!) A-Rod hit the eventual game-winning 3-run homer on an 0-2 count. Naturally, Boston's season went downhill from there. New York won the next game in a blowout after Josh Beckett got epically lit up. The day after that, Dice-K pitched 6 strong innings but was tagged with a 1-0 loss. (This score is important.) Luckily for the Red Sox, their next 3 games were against the lowly Royals. (There's no imaginary dialogue for this section. I apologize; blame writer's block and having more important things to do.)

Part Two: We're Not In Kansas (City) Anymore (@KC)

Clay Buchholz, Lester, and Tim Wakefield were given the starts against Kansas City. Boston lost all three games and Wake to an injury. Dustin takes a nap on the team plane to Minneapolis, and awakes to find... well, this:

[Dustin lying on ground; eyes closed. He hears Ortiz talking in a falsetto, Domincan voice]

Papi: Toto, where are you?

Dusty: [jolts completely awake; springs to feet, which he suddenly realizes he has 4 of] What the hell?

Papi: Oh, there you are!

Dusty: David, what's going on? And why are you dressed as girl? 

Papi: Toto, you- you talk!

Dusty: Toto? Oh shit, I'm a dog aren't I? And lemme guess- you're Dorothy.

Papi: Yep!

Dusty: This is getting weird. [notices the crashed team plane and gets agitated] What happened to the rest of the team?!?

Papi: What team?

Dusty: This is serious! We need to find the others! [ed. note: To answer your question, no, this isn't a Lost parody. It's the Wizard of Oz.]

Papi: What others?

Dusty: You know- Paps, Youk, Tito, Beltre...

Papi: I don't know who those people are. Or are they some of your doggy friends?

Dusty: [starts to talk but cuts off] Never mind. So, how do we get home?

Papi: Well, the plane crushed the wicked witch of the West [points to a woman in an Angels jersey under the plane], but we must find and kill the witch of the East before the Wizard of lOZers will send us home.

Dusty: But where is home?

Papi: I was hoping you'd know.

Papelbon: [dressed as scarecrow, yelling from a distance] Can we come, too?

Dusty: Who the hell are you?

Paps: I'm scarecrow. This [gestures toward Youkilis] is Tin Man, and this [points to Sluggerrr] is the Cowardly Lion.

Sluggerrr: [quietly] Hi. I- I'm kinda scared of dogs.

Dusty: [barks and growls loudly]

Sluggerrr: Ahh! [runs screaming into Tin Man's arms]

Youk: I swear to God, if you don't get off me right now-

Papi: [to Dusty, who's been laughing the whole time] Toto! That wasn't nice! Apologize!

Dusty: Fine. I'm sorry, Sluggerrr- I mean, Cowardly Lion. [feels ashamed that he knows what the Royals' mascot is called and looks down in inward embarassment] Whoa! Where'd that come from? It's a road! Made out of- are those yellow bricks? We should follow it while singing and dancing!

Papi: That's a great idea, Toto!

Later...

Dusty: [panting] how much further?

Youk: I think I'm starting to rust from sweating!

Dusty: Wait. You can sweat [pauses] but you don't have a heart?

Youk: So? You have a heart but can't sweat! You're a dog!

Dusty: Touche. No really, how much further?

[an evil-looking woman in a Yankees jersey appears in front of them]

Woman: It doesn't matter! Your journey ends here!

Dusty: So you're the wicked witch of the East...

Woman: And I'll be the last thing you ever see!

Ghost of Witch of the West: No, I will! [evil cackling]

[fade to black]

Youk: Wake up! We're landing and you have to put your tray table and seat in the upright position or else we'll all die!

Dusty: So it was just a dream... Are we still 0-6?

Youk: Unfortunately. So, tell me about your dream.

Dusty: The damndest thing. It made no sense. Like it was written by some crazy 9th-grader with only a basic knowledge of the Wizard of Oz!

Youk: Oh...kay.

Dusty: You were Tin Man.

Youk: [proudly] Well, I am a heartless killah on a baseball field.

Dusty: Kansas City's lion mascot thing was the Cowardly Lion. And you [talking to Paps] were the scarecrow.

Paps: Ugh. Why does everyone think I'm so stupid?

Dusty: You say some dumb shit, man.

Paps: Yeah, but I'm just trying to be funny!

Dusty: Don't worry about it. I was Toto, for God's sakes! Papi was Dorothy!

[some laughter in the plane]

PA System: This is your pilot speaking. We're beginning our descent into Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, where the bathrooms have been wide-stanced Senator free since June 11, 2007.

Dusty: We're here. We're 0-6. But only 0-6! Let's be the first team to win at Target Field! Who's with me!?

[part 3 soon]